Lost: Marbles

Missing Marbles Mar Many Minds Mourning May’s Mayoral Mayhem

By Breanna Kettles

Hundreds, thousands, millions of reports of lost marbles are sweeping the globe as people everywhere are beginning to realize that they, in fact, have not been aware of the location of their marble-based faculties since around the time their life-expectancy was infinity, because they were two.

One such report, filed on May 8th reads: Lost – one set of marbles – gently used since 1995. Last seen on an unknown Saturday in 2003 in Sault Ste. Marie, ON, somewhere between reruns of Rupert Bear and supper time. Their original owner misses them dearly, and is offering a substantial reward of bear hugs for their safe return.

Of the improbable number of ads placed in the past few months, sadly very few have had positive results. One community member who had not placed an ad, seemed oddly content about his marble-free state. “I don’t know why you folks have been using a marble-based system all these years in the first place. Everyone’s better off not worrying about where all those things end up anyway.” The man then picked up a large sack, whose contents clattered together in a sound that seemed suspiciously similar to glass marbles, and left the city, whistling.

Other citizens have vocalized concern over whether or not the marbles were important at all, since we seem to have gotten along just fine since their apparent disappearance. “It’s almost like we’re meant to lose them, you know?”
A first-year philosophy major explained dreamily. “We lose them when we understand what the world expects of us, and so we sacrifice our marbles for the greater good.”

Her view is not shared by all, however, as youth and adults alike are frantically scrambling to reassemble their marble-less lives, despite not realizing that this was the case until the mayor’s emergency press conference that sparked the controversy.

“I am retiring,” Mayor Bryan Stephens announced last May. “Due to the fact that I have recently lost my marbles, and feel that without them I cannot properly lead our beloved city.” He then tossed a smoke bomb to the stadium floor, and was gone when the smoke cleared.

Several groups have formed search parties for the lost marbles, and are currently combing local schools, homes, and highly-judgmental family functions for any clues as to why the disappearances have continued en masse, completely un- noticed until now. If you have any information as to why it has become a social norm to be without your marbles, please do not hesitate to call 226-867-5309 and ask for Jenny.