There were a handful of times this winter where I stood on my balcony willing the cold weather to end. Now that we’re nearing spring, I’m realizing that it wasn’t the winter that I wanted over, it was the awful feeling I’d had in my heart since my girlfriend and I broke up.
All things considered, we broke up on positive terms; after two years, it was time for us to move on. I quickly learned, like many others have before me, that it’s just not that simple. It was more than being sad that I didn’t have her as my girlfriend anymore. It was learning how to be alone again, and, at first, I really hated it. I didn’t want to have to navigate life as a single woman. I wanted to be able to come home every day and know that no matter how bad my day was, that I had this wonderful person who loved me, and suddenly I didn’t have that anymore.
My closest friends continually told me that it was a great opportunity to do something for myself – be selfish, pamper myself, and “party hard as a single lady”—but I just didn’t want to. Any time that I did decide to party it would be with the worst intentions and I would make some kind of mistake, hoping desperately to fill the void that I felt growing inside of me. My friends grew frustrated with me, and so did I. I wanted to stop feeling like an observer in my life and start participating in it again, but that was easier said than done.
Thankfully the winter holiday came and I had an opportunity to be a total recluse for two weeks. I spent almost the entire holiday holed up in my room. I would play around on my computer, listen to music, read, write, and generally live in my head. At first it was hard because there were so many difficult thoughts to face, but over time I felt stronger and was able to take these thoughts head-on. I came out of the holidays feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and completely able to run my life the way I saw fit again.
Back in Waterloo my best friend had a friend from overseas staying with him for three weeks. He wanted to make sure she had a good time while she was here, and in doing that, so did we. It was the perfect opportunity for me to start feeling alive again – we went on some road-trips, saw some touristy attractions with her, and partied night after night. Sure, I neglected my commitments on occasion, and practically made myself sick with all of the late nights, alcohol, and lack of sleep, but you know what? I don’t regret it in the least. I think those three weeks were one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I let loose, felt totally uninhibited, and came out of it feeling on top of the world.
I still get sad about the breakup from time to time, but I know that’s normal. I’m not going to force myself to get over this any quicker than is natural. What I am going to do is get out of bed every morning, and breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out. On the day that I don’t have to remind myself of that, I’m going to look back and be glad that I had such a fucking blast in the meantime.