The “W” Stands for “Wisdom”

Dear Ideologue,
Since I lost my job, I have become very worried. I’ve also lost my appetite and have had trouble sleeping. Please help me, I can’t stop worrying.
– Sleepless

Dear Sleepless,
These are dangerous times for our nation, worrisome times, and many citizens of this great land are worried. Your fear is appropriated— I understand your fears. Despite what liberals tell you, evildoers can strike the homeland at any moment. None of us is free from the terror of our enemies.

It is sad that in times of such freedom, hardworking Americans have lost their jobs. Jobs that were once secure are now threatened on multiple fronts. September eleventh changed this great nation and it changed our economy. That’s what Karl tells me. I’m not much of a reader myself, but don’t let liberals fool ya, there are jobs out there somewhere. I know I’ve never had difficult finding employment in America and neither should you..

As for the insomnia, think positive. Wasted hours spent asleep mean less time in a heightened state of awareness. Try to enjoy your time off instead of getting all riled up about being out of work. Use the time to improve your golf game. I’m a firm believer in finding the right balance. For each week of hard work at the office try a few months of R’n’R at the ol’ ranch.

Hey, since you’ve lost your appetite, you probably won’t need as much unemployment, will ya? No need to worry about that, though, I’ve gone ahead and reduced those payments already. If you find other imitative ways to tighten your belt (if you know what I mean) be sure to let me know.

God bless you, Sleepless, and may God continue to bless America.


Dear Ideologue,
I’m thinking about getting plastic surgery to improve my appearance. My friends say I should just work on my self-esteem. Should I follow my feelings or listen to my friends?

Don’t worry about your friends, Doublechin, and forget about your feelings. Feelings are for bleeding-heart liberals. Instead, you should listen to the sweet, sweet song of liberty, of democracy, of freedom.

Our brave boys overseas are fighting a war against evil and terror in your name, for the causes of freedom and liberty—and yes, that includes the freedom to improve your lackluster looks through the miracles of modern science.

If you’ve worked hard enough to afford the operation, then you deserve a chin you can be proud of. Don’t take the easy way out and cover your face in shame, like the ladies who used to hide behind those big ‘ol Burqhas in Afghanistan before we liberated them.

As you know, I’m a strong supporter of foreign aid, at home and abroad. If the modernization of Afghanistan continues apace, our plastic surgery teams will eliminate ugliness there entirely by 2012. Bye-bye, Burqha!

Don’t fret, though, if you can’t afford surgery on your own, consider a career in the military. Most folks don’t know this, but soldiers, sailors and airmen (airwomen, too!) get serious discounts on many plastic surgeries, including breast augmentation and facelifts .You pay for the parts, and my good friend Donald at the Pentagon picks up the tab for the labour. Heck, doctors performed about five-hundred boob jobs and over a thousand liposuctions between 2000 and 2003 for the Army alone. Only in America, right?

See, these terrorists, they don’t want America to be free or beautiful. In fact, you might say that they hate our beauty. We must respond to the dark threats posed by the Axis of Ugly together, as one nation. In this time of war, only together can defeat ugliness and spread freedom across the world. I urge you to do your part.

God bless you, Doublechin, and God bless America.
– W