The World Outside: View from a Safe Place, TJ Naven
I am looking for a place to feel safe in a world that thinks I’m broken.
I’m breaking from all the boundaries and borders that are being shoved at me.
I’m losing touch.
I’ve lost my grip.
I’m pulling away.
I’m hiding in the only place that’s ever been safe…
Deep inside myself.
I’ve come to a place that I don’t know, one I’m afraid of.
Building up space around me that I know I don’t really want.
Overwhelmed. Ecstatic. Terrified.
Never stronger, never safer.
Waiting for it to all crash in; for everyone to leave in a mass exodus at the sight of the deepest, darkest parts of me.
I refuse to apologize for who I am.
But, sometimes I run to protect myself.
I’ll never be on the outside of this. Teach me.
Here’s my attempt at an education for you:
How much do the pronouns you use to talk about me really matter to you?
because they make me feel either horrible or elated.
What difference does it make if TJ stands for one thing or another?
because MY name makes me feel safer.
Does my physical appearance/body have any real impact on you?
because I look in the mirror and wish for something else.
Not taking back the past, but looking towards the future.
No apologies. No lies.
All of me; rather than something someone else wanted.
I’m a mess. And, I’m together.
This is me. Everything I am, nothing to fear.
Who I am to some is missing, or so they seem to think.
But, I’m the one they’ve always known..
If I ran away for a while, or I’m still missing.
If I’m lost for minutes, days or weeks.
I’m hiding. For fear of being too much, too soon.
But, I love you. And, most likely, I really miss you.
Come find me.
I don’t want to be hidden anymore.