by Alexandria Schneider

Gimli, the Great, saw himself as the epitome of what chivalry meant. Women flocked to him and he allowed them to tell him how handsome and grand he was. He claimed them by thus sitting on their laps and allowing them to stroke his ego (and his backside) till he was all and good done with them and would move on to the next. He figured that in the 21st century, this was the closest to courtly love as one could get. After all, he didn’t have all that time to dote on women for days on end because there were birds to watch and bugs to eat. Women were naturally second to both those things.

Gimli had no trouble, no trouble indeed, paying high tribute to his God. He would, every day as scheduled, look in the mirror and profess his inconvenient truths to himself and then tell himself how wonderful he was, proceeded naptime. After all, he was his own God so it was always best to forgive himself and then compliment because he should never forget his own greatness. I mean, it’s not like he was fatally flawed like those humans. He was actually quite perfect, which he knew, and the humans worshipped him for it. So he felt rightly deserving of high praise.

On top of all this magnitude of exceptional chivalry, he was also the most giving creature he had ever met. In fact, just the other morning, he had readily and gallantly fought the yellow square that the humans had recently poured toxic liquids onto, and rubbed aggressively into the bathtub, sink, and floor. Clearly a futile attempt at wrangling this thing, he ripped it to shreds and put the remains in the bed for the humans. A sacrifice they still have yet to appreciate fitting of his heroic deed. He worries that the humans could never survive without his protection and generosity.

All in all, he knew that his chivalry could not be matched. He knows that it is partially his species (being the most protective and of highest intelligence) but it also had a lot to do with him. He knew that his love, devotion to religion, and his protection and generosity makes the humans’ lives far better than if he wasn’t there. He knows that other humans might be better, if they too all had one of his species. He recommends to all the humans, to improve their quality of life by going to the KW Humane Society and finding one of his kind. I mean, they will never be as good as him, but imitation is the best these humans can look for. He wants all humans to embrace chivalry in their lives and adopt a cat. Or another animal, he says, because while not as good they need to be adopted too.