Disconnect

By Marie Brooks

My body is my temple.

I exercise, eat right, I don’t drink or smoke.

I have French manicured nails and glowing skin,

blemish free, radiant, they call me.

Up until my 21st birthday I never popped anything

more than an Advil.

But the first time I had to pop a serious pill was after

the first time I tried to kill myself.

See when your body and mind disconnect

your body doesn’t show it yet.

I was beautiful on the outside but my inside was

a festering, rancid, putrid mess,

self-loathing, hating, self-deprecating.

All this darkness, and no way to ensnare it.

It’s unbearable when the first thing in the morning you think of is

“I can’t do this anymore,”

But the thing with depression

is that it sinks into the core,

Makes you do crazy things,

as you try to explore

the cusps of insanity and sanity.

It sinks into the core, burrowing into your marrow, pulsing

through your veins until

all that’s left is darkness,

all this darkness.

See, when your body and mind disconnect,

your body begins to reflect

the inside on the outside as your skin

burns down to the ashes

you are, and all that’s left

of this mighty fortress is that darkness.

You may see the light at the end of the tunnel but

the track always loops back and we come full circle.

So take your ashes and breathe the life back into them.

Blow the dust into the wind as your walls return to their power

as a barricade, until all that’s left is the hollow feel of

the memory of pain. Blow a kiss to the reflection of the kingdom that

is your body. You are a temple, I am a temple.