A careless inventor lived nearby,
Whose little wife in childbirth did die.
They had used his invention
As a form of prevention,
Now he held a Beauty that did cry.
His inventions threatened her safety;
When she was grown the daughter did flee.
She ran to a dark castle,
“Would it be such a hassle,
Dear Prince, to open your home to me?”
Oh, but lo! The prince was a beast,
And tonight she would have no great feast!
The beast roared with all his might –
She tried to put up a fight,
But he weighed four hundred pounds, at least!
He locked her up in a dark tower
And turned the furniture upon her
(For it was alive, you see –
The clock and the pot of tea!);
But then he offered his hand to her.
“I know I wanted you dead,” he said,
“Now I want to marry you instead.
Didn’t the pain turn you on?
Don’t you want to have my spawn?
You must let me ravish you in bed!”
It was again time to run, she knew:
Staring at him she wanted to spew.
“Oh, fuck no,” she retorted,
“I will not be escorted
Down any aisle by the likes of you!”
In a castle far from this dark hall
Was a slave girl attending a ball.
Alone she sat by the door,
Thinking, “Oh my, what a bore!”
When Beauty into the room did fall!
Beauty had run from another fella,
But now she was under a spell, ah!
Just one dance and they felt love
(It is what we all dream of),
And now she’s married to Cinderella.
(But since this takes place in the U.S. of A.,
It’s really a civil union, by the way.)