If Academics Discovered Fire

Academic Caveman, Emily Kennedy

The academic cavemen continued to talk long into the night about the possibilities of their new discovery. For days they talked, theorized, and came up with more and more ideas of how fire could change their lives.

One day, it became very cold. The tribe experienced the worst winter they had ever seen. People were dying, and hunting was difficult. So the academic cavemen gathered together.

They continued to debate on the best way to make fire, until one of them finally stopped it.

But when they did, the tribe had no idea what they were talking about. The academic cavemen had been talking about it amongst each other for so long they had developed their own jargon. No one knew what fire was or how it was possible to make it. The academic cavemen could not show them what they had never done themselves.

The academic cavemen left and returned to their meeting place.

They all looked at each other, each waiting for the other to try. Finally, the first caveman picked up two sticks and started rubbing them together, but his limbs were too cold, he couldn’t move fast enough. Eventually he gave up.

The second caveman tried. He got the sticks hot, but no flame came out.

The third caveman tried. He got a spark.

But it was too late. The spark was gone.

The academic cavemen discussed their dilemma and decided that once the flame started they had to work quickly to keep it going. They discussed exactly how they would do this. It took a long time, but eventually, after sitting cold and stiff for hours, they were ready to try again.

This time though, they could not even get a spark. They were too stiff from sitting so long in the bitter cold talking.

The academic cavemen kept talking until they were too cold to move. By the time they finally decided to just go back to the tribe, they had frozen to death. The secret of fire died with them and the human race remained small and insignificant; which, in retrospect, is a good thing.

Too bad academic cavemen didn’t run things back then. All their theories and discoveries would have remained happily in their little groups, to be discussed and debated for all eternity.