Recent Studies Show That Pregnancy May Cause Death
The science community is in an uproar after Middle-Eastern scientists conclusively link pregnancy and death. In controversial case studies, evidence has emerged that nearly 100% of pregnancies lead to eventual human fatalities. Scientists interviewed on site at the University of Najaf remain perplexed.
“We very may well have a pregnancy epidemic on our hands; alongside a near certainty of death.”
“The people of the world must be warned.”
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Recession Trends Worldwide Reveal An Increase in Homeless Hobos
In interviews with North American economists, experts assure us that as the recession continues, more and more hobos will begin defaulting on their box mortgages. In some cases hobos have survived for decades on their respective street corners; one interviewed man has been living in his box since the 1980’s.
“I’ve been here for nearly three recessions now and suddenly the money isn’t coming in anymore. People are out there but they’re not throwing money. I have a family to feed; our box rats, Boney and Scraps. These is our home.”
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Former President George W. Bush to open Middle Eastern Take-out and Delivery Restaurant
The Texan town of Buckholts, boasting an impressive 387 citizens, received a surprise today when George W. Bush reopened a renovated downtown restaurant for business. Instead of traditional southern fare, the restaurant will cater exclusively in Middle Eastern cuisine. The former President of the United States greeted customers outside the shop in attempts to bring in business.
“You know, I was just a figurehead; some o’ daddies friends, they come down to the ranch one day, ‘Hey, little Bush. How would like to be President for a while? Invade some countries?’ But anyhow, I really began to fancy them peoples food.”
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The Little Company that Could
Though the stock markets show negative growth nearly worldwide, one small Irish company is showing tremendous growth as well as strong environmental consciousness and care. In a brilliant move to reacting to rising prices, reduced food, and the pregnancy epidemic, Swift Baby Meats is showing itself to be a company that cares. There C.E.O had this to say:
“The idea came to us while we were trying to find a cost-efficient way to feed large portions of an increasingly unemployed population. I read articles about the inspirational work Muslim scientists are doing in pregnancy/death research and realized the solution; this kind of creative thinking is how we became the top sellers of meat products in the nation.”
See more page 7.
Rising price of Air conditioners leads to uproar; companies blame weather.
Citizens living in high temperate climates received a shock today as countrywide the cost of air conditioning appliances and electric bills skyrocketed. Riots have broken out in more than one area as the mobs seek to hold the major energy companies accountable. In a press conference behind barbed wire and machine gun posts, one C.E.O had this to say.
“It is an unfortunate day in society when the climate temperature raises by several degrees. We must remain vigilant and fight the rising temperate despite the increased cost of doing so.”
Few have opted to turn off the cool air.
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Dead Men found Alive
Among many other celebrities, Jesus, JFK, Elvis and Tupac were found alive today on the Island of Misfit Spies.
The Island, a major discovery in itself, is the living storehouse of “dead” super agents from various intelligence agencies around the world. However, the find was overshadowed by the numerous historical and celebrity characters thought dead who also called the Island home.
JFK, Elvis, and Tupac offered full accounts of their lives. Jesus was suddenly not available to comment. One anonymous celebrity made the following remark:
“It’s a paradise here. Plus, we get to watch the world stage from the perspective of those who control it.”