Think Of This As A Corporate Merger

Think of this as a corporate merger. It’ll be easier on both of us.

I am the well-known, reliable small town independent business; you are the multinational with stock in every company, and with operations in every country in the world. The hungry conglomerate who sees my humble establishment as prospects on which to capitalize.

I get to keep part of my name, the one my friends know me as, so my customers will know they are still dealing with me, their neighbour, whom they trust.

The other part of my name changes, though, so that everyone else (read: everyone important) will know that I now answer to you, and can marvel at what a successful businessman you are. They can put down their martinis and applaud your latest conquest.

It’ll be great! Together we can accomplish so much more. Having joined this corporation, I now have a dependable source of income, the respect gained by being a part of your endeavors, and a solid future in the company. I get benefits too, like dental, and the perks will follow soon enough. We
can even start offshoot companies, if we want, when we are certain of their potential profits.

Yes, think of this like a business arrangement. One in which you are the CEO and I am the secretary. But you see, after doing well with your menial tasks, you’ll soon begin to trust me with more, until rumors spread like tumours behind your back that you’re the poster boy, but I pull the strings.

So you can stay up late, stay out all night if you want, get piss drunk and pass out in a strange living room. You can suck the vaults dry with your vicious, greedy, conniving lips, bankrupt the firm if you like, no one will know. I’ll be perfect, the definition of PR, I’ll gush and simper about how pleased and proud as fucking punch I am to be a part of your latest corporate venture.

Just remember, if you decide to jump ship, you’re shit out of luck. You have one chance with the company, and it owes you nothing—why should it take you back? Clear the belongings off your desk, put your token photographs in boxes, take your severance pay and have a nice life. No second chances.

Yes, I think it’s much better if we view this as a corporate merger…

September 30, 2004 Blueprint Web Administrator No Comments